March 10

February 17 to March 10--I've really got to get with the program. I keep thinking about all these other things I've got to do--that's a recipe for disaster. I am covenanting with myself and with God, right now, to write more often. Writing is one of my gifts, part of my mission in life. So I give myself permission to do it.

I have been having my quiet times and have been learning many things, among them how easy it is to be with the program and yet not with it. That is to say, to have your mouth and your body in the right place but for your heart to be somewhere far away. That can happen without even knowing it.

But the lesson of the Scripture I've been reading is that even when your heart is in the wrong place, God is still faithful. I've been reading about Abraham, the father of the faithful, and it strikes me that there were times his heart was definitely not in the right place, times where his heart was depressed and fearful and weak and foolish and totally out of joint. And yet God worked in his life, and not only in his life but in the life of every believer since then. God has his purposes and he will accomplish them, no matter how weak and sinful the vessels he is using.

I was lying in bed this morning struggling with many things, and it occurred to me the only answer is to believe--that God is alive and is working and will accomplish what he wants to accomplish in my life. And so I made a conscious commitment to believe that. (And I got out of bed.!)

As regards the medical situation, the five hours of light duty continue, but at a different venue and at different hours. I've moved from Archdale back to High Point, and my hours have changed from morning to afternoon. On a morning schedule, I could come home and nap in the afternoon. An afternoon schedule, however, is more challenging, since when I get home, at six, it is too late to nap. And when I do get home, Alison often has homework she needs help with, and I am generally too tired to be of much use. I am still looking for a way around this conundrum, but I know God has one.

I am getting ready to start my third month's worth of chemotherapy--one week a month, from January till June, is the schedule. I still fatigue easily. I got up yesterday at 7:30, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and was out of gas by 12:45. That's typical, which makes me wonder when I will ever be able to work fulltime. At the rate I'm using it, I run out of sick leave near the end of April. I do have a bunch of annual leave, but I don't really want to use that.

But those are all questions God can deal with. He has not let me down yet, and I don't expect him to do it anytime soon.

I hope you will excuse me--I just got back from watching the north-bound Cotton Grove local on the Winston-Salem Southbound Railroad, which runs about two hundred yards from my house. This economy has really affected traffic, but they still need an engine to pull the thing, and locomotives have always fascinated me. This one was an SD 60, which packs 3600 horsepower. Quite a bit more than was needed for seven cars, I might add.

One last item--please pray for my brother-in-law, Paul Rudy, a loving minister of the gospel in SE Wisconsin. He is having surgery on Friday to remove a tumor that is growing in four different internal organs, including his stomach, and if this surgery does not work he won't live long. He has a wife (my sister) and three daughters, college-aged to junior high. The surgery starts at 9:30 EDT.

You know what I'll be doing then!