1-5-09; Back to Work

Before I start in on the back to work section, let me tell you about the two preceding days. On Saturday, the 3rd, I had my heart set on cleaning out my garage. Alison had her heart set on going ice-skating at the Coliseum Annex. Priscilla (my wife) managed to talk some sense into my head, and the garage is still waiting to be cleaned. I can clean it when Alison goes off to college, if worst comes to worst, but time with one's daughter is simply not something to pass up. We had a wonderful afternoon and evening, and I am very thankful that Priscilla spoke up.

Yesterday, the 4th, we had an amazing adult Bible study from a John Piper book. The teacher ran off copies of one of the chapters, entitled "Faith in Future Grace vs. Anxiety." (Maybe now you know the title of the book, which eludes me.) John Piper related that when he was in high school he had a monstrous fear of public speaking, what he called a "horrible and humiliating disability." This was more than a little stage fright, believe me. He and his mother struggled mightily in prayer, but no breakthroughs came. Finally, John went off to Wheaton College. He knew that in order to graduate, he would have to speak in public.

The first chance came in a Spanish class. Each student was required to give a three-minute speech in Spanish. John memorized his, to eliminate the possibility of losing his place and lapsing into a "paralyzing pause," and he also stood behind a very large lectern which he could hold onto to conceal his shaking. He was obviously frightened. But somehow, he made it through.

A second opportunity came when the school chaplain asked him to lead prayer in chapel. Again terrified, John said "yes" anyway, and once more received grace. From that moment, he vowed never to turn down a speaking engagement because of fear. The rest, of course, is history.
Piper's application was simply that anxiety is lack of faith and often leads to other sins. He said that if you were driving a race car (analagous to our race of life) and someone threw mud onto your windshield, you would turn on the wipers and the windshield washer. He compares the wipers to the Word of God and the washers to the Holy Spirit. He then went on to exposit Matthew 6:25-34, where on four different occasions we are told not to be anxious.

When I went to bed that night, knowing I'd be going back to work in the morning, albeit parttime, I picked up the copy of the article, reread the Scripture passage, and prayed for the Holy Spirit to come. Nothing happened. The harder I struggled, the more fear made a fool out of me. (I know this sounds crazy, but believe me, it happened.) Finally, in desperation, I said simply "Father, I want your name to be glorified."

And then it hit me. That was exactly the same thing Jesus said in John 12:28, a passage my pastor had spoken about that morning. Jesus there was struggling with much more than I was--the huge weight of the cross loomed before him. My struggle was small by comparison, but still very real.

And it occurred to me--there was no way the old Chuck Eggerth could have produced that thought. It obviously came from the Spirit of Christ inside me. Suddenly I realized I had resources to deal with the situation.

Then another image came to me, a picture of myself at the post office with Jesus shining inside me, a light so bright people would have to know who it was . My struggle to that point had been selfish, wondering how I would look to folks who knew the Chuck Eggerth from four months ago. Now I had a reason to go back to work that didn't involve my ego. And the fears left me. I was able to relax and go to sleep.

And when I got up, I went to work. I had a couple of panicky moments, where it oppeared to me that the carriers who were assigned to finish what I didn't carry would be standing around waiting for me to get the mail ready, but I made up my mind to go one step at a time. It worked out, and I was able to finish my job.